French, Chinese, Indian, Italian and Thai
by Dmc Fan
Summary: Lady has an idea. If you read it then please review? Mild cannabillism and OOCness.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry.

It all began with a simple statement.

"I know," Lady exclaimed one day when they were all in Dante's office. "Let's go out for a meal to celebrate." Lucia and Trish looked at her. Dante stopped what he was doing, which was drooling over a bikini advert on the TV, and looked at her too. Vergil ignored them all and continued to read his book in the corner.

"To celebrate what?" Lucia asked puzzled, not unlike her.

"To celebrate the fact that Mundus hasn't appeared with a plan to take over the world! Well, not this month anyway." She grinned at them all.

"Okay!" Dante replied enthusiastically. "Let's go to a restaurant."

"Great. But which one?" Trish looked at Dante who didn't answer; he had already turned his attention back to the TV.

"I want to go to that French restaurant in town. They have the best food there." Lucia announced.

"I thought of the idea first." Lady said scowling. "I want to go to a Chinese restaurant."

"But French food is far better than Chinese." Lucia started to protest.

"Grow up you two." Trish snapped. "Indian food is so obviously better."

"No it's not." Dante said coming back to earth as the advert finished. Lucia and Lady beamed at him and Trish frowned. "We should go to an Italian restaurant because they have pizza. Pizza is one of my reasons for living." He announced proudly. The girls just stared at him. Vergil continued to read his book.

"Indian!"

"Chinese!"

"French!"

"ITALIAN!"

The shouting match continued for some time until someone snapped.

"Shut the hell up!" Vergil yelled. "I am trying to read my book." Everyone quietened down, but only for a second.

"I know a way to settle this." Dante grinned and sidled up to his brother. "Vergil…. Will you cast the deciding vote?" Vergil looked up at him suspiciously.

"Okay….What are the choices?"

"French, Chinese, Indian or Italian." Dante replied laying heavy emphasis on the last word. Vergil looked at the girls batting their eyelashes at him and then at Dante grinning insanely next to him.

"Thai." Vergil said and went back to his book.

The others fought each other for a while until Lady told them all to stop.

"We'll decide with a competition." She said, disentangling Lucia's hand from her hair. "Whoever wins gets to choose where we go."

"This is going to be easy." Dante grinned again. "I can beat you three with my eyes closed."

"I never said it was a fighting competition Dante." Lady smiled evilly. She started to whisper and the others leant nearer to hear. When Lady finished explaining the challenge and the rules Dante slumped on the couch, eyes wide with shock. Lucia and Trish looked at each other and then at Lady incredulously.

"Are you crazy?" Dante hissed. "We'll all be killed!"

"No." Lady grinned. "I'm perfectly serious. Any of you want to back out?" The others shook their heads and in perfect unison all four of them turned to look at Vergil. Sensing their gaze on him and disturbed by the sudden quiet Vergil looked up from his book and they all looked away. He scowled and resumed reading, extremely suspicious.

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	2. Chapter 2

The next day Vergil was in the kitchen making breakfast, since he was the only one who could cook reasonably well, when Dante came in.

"Hey Vergil…." He began, looking extremely uncomfortable. "Uh….I…. that is to say that…"

"Spit it out Dante." Vergil said without turning around.

"I…. Um…." Dante trailed off and went out of the kitchen. He soon came back in, more composed and cleared his throat several times.

"What do you want?" Vergil snapped irritably, finally turning to face his brother.

"A hug….." Dante bit his lip nervously, waiting for Vergil to explode. Explode he did; with laughter.

"Oh Dante, I think you've finally lost your mind…. You want me to…. to hug you?" Vergil burst out laughing again.

"It's a bet okay? Whoever gets you to hug them chooses where to go for dinner next week. Sheesh, I don't actually want to." Dante huffed and crossed his arms. Vergil paused.

"Wait, this bet includes Lady, Lucia and Trish doesn't it?" Dante nodded. "Oh great. Don't tell them I know about the bet okay?" Dante nodded again and exited the kitchen swiftly, eager to get away from Vergil before he started laughing again.

When everyone had come down for breakfast Vergil sat down at the table first and secretly watched everyone as they sat down. He noticed that Lucia was doing something weird with her lip. Vergil frowned slightly, was she…pouting? He almost snorted. She thought that by pouting he would feel the urge to hug her? If so she was gravely mistaken.

Vergil then noticed that Trish was wearing her 'hooker' outfit, the one she had worn when asking Dante to help with Mundus. Didn't they know that he was above the desires of the flesh that other men such as his brother fell to? Obviously not. Lady was…. Well she looked normal. She wasn't even paying any attention to him. Mind you, she had the brains of Trish and Lucia put together so she wasn't going to be as obvious.

Many days and failed attempts from the blond and red-head later, Vergil was bored. Apparently Trish and Lucia had given up, but Lady had yet to make an attempt. Dante hadn't mentioned a deadline for the bet and he didn't want to be hanging around waiting for them to resume their efforts at trying to hug him. He sighed and sat down in his favourite chair in the corner and picked up his book. He hadn't read another page since the start of the bet. It was hard to read with Lucia pouting at him over the cover and Trish purring in a voice that she thought was seductive but actually sounded like someone with a sore throat. But they had gone now, he didn't really care where. He had just finished a sentence when Lady sat down on the couch opposite him. He looked wearily over the pages and she smiled evilly.

"I know that you know about the bet. Dante told me, but it doesn't matter. I'm going to win anyway."

"Really? How are you going to win?" Vergil asked, raising an eyebrow. Lady's grin stretched wider.

"Blackmail."

"Blackmail?" Vergil smiled. "By all means, go ahead. How would Dante put it? You've got nothing on me."

"Oh, haven't I?" Lady's grin stretched further across her face, if that was possible. After several minutes of silence and grinning, Vergil started to wonder if someone had spiked her drink. Then she pulled out a photograph from her pocket. Vergil's jaw dropped and snapped shut almost immediately. "If you don't hug me in front of everyone then this is going all over the internet." Lady said showing him the picture. "And don't bother destroying it. I've got back up photos hidden in my room and several already on my webpage which will update at midnight unless I stop it."

Vergil gingerly took the picture and stared in disbelief. A couple of weeks ago it was Dante's turn to do the laundry but, being the slob he was, didn't do it. Vergil had no pyjamas to wear and the only other clean ones he could find were a pair of Lucia's pink ones. But that wasn't the worst of it. They were patterned all over with yellow ducks and white rabbits. Vergil grimaced at the photo. Lady had somehow managed to creep into his room and had taken pictures of him.

"You were carrying this around in your pocket this whole time? I'm flattered Lady but I'm not interested." Vergil picked up his book again.

"So you don't mind if I put this on the internet then?" Lady asked innocently, getting up.

"I don't really care." He said, lying through his teeth. Lady shrugged and headed over to Dante's desk where the computer was. Two minutes later Vergil stood up. "Fine, I'll do it. Just take off the pictures."

"Okay." Lady smiled yet again and Vergil mentally hit himself over the head. Why did the girl keep grinning like a demented squirrel? She had probably gone insane when she killed her father. "So after dinner you hug me and then we go to a Chinese restaurant! Yay! And don't even think about dodging out of it. The pictures are still on my webpage and if you don't do it then you and Lucia's pyjamas are going all over the World Wide Web." She almost skipped out of the door she was so happy. Vergil slumped in his chair again and picked up his book.

All during dinner Lady kept throwing him crazy smiles. Vergil briefly wondered if anyone else noticed her lack of sanity. Probably not. They were all bloody insane. When they had finished, he and Lady stood up at exactly the same time. Wincing Vergil put his arms around him. Dante catcalled and Lucia looked as if she might cry. Trish blinked at them and picked up the phone.

"Hello? Is that the Chinese restaurant? I'd like to place a reservation….. Yes…. A table for five please." Vergil sighed as Lady finally let go and watched her start to dance around the room. This was not a good idea at all...


	3. Chapter 3

For all intents and purposes this fanfiction has gone crazy. Blame my brother. Not me.

Disclaimer: I don't own devil may cry

So there they were, the five of them sitting around a table in the local Chinese restaurant. Despite Vergil's protests that they should keep low profiles, they had all come heavily armed. Lady had even bought Kalina Ann with her and had stowed it under the table.

The waiter appeared Lucia with a dazzling smile, making her jump. Apparently he was oblivious to the arsenal of weaponry that the table's occupants had. "Would you like to see the menu?"

"Why, yes." Trish purred flicking her long blonde hair over her shoulder.

"Ow!" Dante yelled as it caught him in the eye. Everyone ignored him.

"We would." Vergil sighed, rubbing his forehead. He had been right. This was a really bad idea. The waiter came back with the menus and left them too it.

"I'll order." Vergil glanced at them all. Dante's menu lay unopened on the table. "Trish? What do you want?"

"The waiter...ah...I mean the Mushrooms and Bamboo shoots with plain rice." Trish stammered. Vergil looked at her for a moment.

"Okay… What about you, Lucia?" He asked.

"I'd like the Sliced Pork in Chilli Sauce with egg fried rice."

"Right…and what…"

"Hey! I'm not finished." Lucia cried. "I also want the seafood noodles, the stuffed mushrooms with mashed prawns and the braised duck."

"You want all of that?" Vergil blinked. Lucia smiled and shrugged.

"I'm hungry."

"Fine." Vergil turned to his brother, "Dante?" who didn't reply; too busy staring into the distance with a stupid grin plastered across his face. "Uh...Lady?"

"I want the mixed vegetables with plain rice." Before Vergil could say anything she turned to her missile launcher which now had its own seat at the table. "What would you like mum?"

Everyone stared at her except Dante who was enthralled by a passing air particle.

"Lady," Trish began slowly. "You do remember that your mother died?" Lady placed her hands protectively over where Vergil supposed that the missile launchers ears would be.

"Don't listen to the nasty woman mum." Lady whispered, shooting daggers at Trish. "She doesn't know what she's saying." The awkward silence that followed was soon cut short by an unexpected announcement.

"I want pizza." Everyone stopped looking at Lady and her 'mum' and turned their attention to Dante instead.

"This is a Chinese restaurant." Lucia pointed out politely. "They don't have pizza." Dante frowned.

"But I want pizza." Vergil was swiftly losing the rest of his patience.

"You…can't…have…pizza. Okay?"

"Okay…" Dante opened his menu and stared at it forlornly. Vergil turned back to Lady, trying to persuade her that she was talking to her missile launcher, not her mum. Lucia watched Dante as he struggled to decide what to have and Trish kept flicking her hair over her shoulder in an attempt to get the waiter to notice. None of them had any luck.

Eventually Dante's face lit up. "I know what I'm going to have!" He cried ecstatically. "I'll have those funny noodle things and pizza with a side order of bone fluff!" Everyone in the restaurant fell silent. Vergil looked at Dante's cheerful smile.

"Bone…fluff..." Vergil repeated slowly. Dante nodded excitedly.

"That's right, bone fluff." He started to rock backwards and forwards in his chair in anticipation of his meal.

"What's bone fluff?" Lucia asked, confused.

"It's the stuff in the hollow of your bones." Dante said, still grinning. Trish stopped trying to attract the waiter and looked at him.

"Don't you mean the marrow?" She asked.

"No. Bone fluff is the stuff inside your bones that isn't the marrow." Dante replied happily.

"Dante." Vergil began. "There is NO such thing as bone fluff."

"Yes there is." In despair Vergil looked to Lady for support. He found that she wasn't paying the rest of them any attention, instead holding a one-sided conversation with her 'mum'.

"Yes mum, I know. But I killed him for you mum. Grounded? What?" Vergil sighed again and closed his eyes. This was going to be a long night.

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	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own devil may cry.

Meanwhile, in the demon world, Mundus was bored. He had been trying to think of plans to take over the human world but every idea he had was useless. Either the plan had been used before and failed or it was crazier than anything Dante could have come up with (And that's saying something).

Mundus sighed and picked up a tin next to his throne. It was labelled 'Overlord funds' but unfortunately it was empty. After shaking it upside down for a couple of minutes the demon king sighed again. Being the ruler of the underworld wasn't as easy as everyone seemed to think.

His eyes wondered around the empty hall of his palace. It was certainly dull around here since the infuriating demon gatekeeper had started to charge for portal access. Now every time he wanted to go to and from the human world he had to pay a 50 soul tokens.

Sure, as the leader of the demons he got a discount, but then there was so much paperwork to be filled out. If there was one thing that Mundus hated more than Sparda & Sons, it was paperwork. Some of the words had more than four letters for Lucifer's sake!

Mundus drummed his fingers/claws on the throne arm. In this situation there was only one option. He didn't like it, hell he hated it, but it was the only thing he could do. It's what any great leader would do in his position.

"Phantom!" He yelled. Nothing. Then he heard a soft thud on the other side of the doors. A curse was muttered before the doors swung outwards. Apparently the demonic spider had forgotten that the doors didn't open inwards, again.

"Phantom." Mundus declared, clearing his throat. "I have a special task for you."

"Of course my Lord." Phantom nodded. 'Finally' He thought.

"I want you to make the most delicious batch of chocolate cookies ever made and go around the palace selling as many as you can." Mundus announced. There was silence.

"My Lord…." Phantom began. "I can't cook…" Mundus dismissed his protests with a wave of his hand.

"Then find someone to teach you. I expect a full report at the end of the week. You may begin." The spider scuttled out of the hall, looking doubtful of Mundus' sanity.

The demon king frowned. A week was too long to wait. He would surely die of boredom by then. He needed to go to the human world and DO something, even if it was just to terrorise a few squirrels. But he didn't have enough money. Mundus looked forlornly at the tin can again.

Suddenly an idea appeared in his head. Demons always dropped a few coins in the corridors during rush hour. Usually he would avoid the corridors at such times but this was an emergency. So, the ruler of the demon world got up from his throne and went off to search for loose change.

A few hours later the tin was still empty and Mundus was getting angry. Not one soul token had been misplaced. Life was so unfair sometimes. Then he had another brainstorm. The guards in each turret occasionally left tokens lying around. He would go there!

As he approached the door to the guard room he heard strange noises coming from behind the door. Someone was shouting with joy and a couple of others were groaning in despair. They weren't supposed to be in the turret at this time of day. Confused, Mundus pushed his way into the room to discover the group of demons playing chess. When they noticed him standing in the doorway the demons hurriedly stood up and babbled apologies. But Mundus was having none of it.

"You lot are supposed to be on duty! Patrolling the grounds! And I come in here to find you playing games and gambling!" A couple of demons closed their eyes, waiting to get blasted, but nothing happened. Mundus had noticed something on the table. Or more accurately a pile of soul tokens on the table. Yet another idea formed in his demon brain.

"You were gambling?" He asked, more slowly. The demons, sensing an escape, nodded vigorously. Mundus smiled evilly at them. "Then I'll play!" The others looked at one another.

"Uh….sure sir." They muttered and set the chess board up again. Mundus slid into a seat and frowned at the demon setting up the pieces.

"I want to be black." The demon looked up at him and wordlessly turned the board around so that Mundus had control of the tiny black figurines. When the board was set up Mundus smiled. "It's my go first." He grinned childishly.

"Sir?" The demon asked hesitantly, suddenly very nervous. "It's my go, white pieces always move first." Mundus narrowed his eyes and gave the demon who dared challenge his authority a death glare.

"No….they….don't." He hissed and the demon nodded quickly.

"Of course they don't Sir. My mistake." Mundus smiled, satisfied. He looked at the board in confusion and moved the bishop forward a couple of squares.

"Go fish." He announced proudly. One of the spectators spluttered.

"You can't do that! This is chess, not a card game!" Mundus calmly raised a palm and blasted the offending demon into oblivion.

"Yes I can." Mundus smirked at the dust on the floor. "Your go." He said to the shaking demon opposite him.

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	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry.

"Can we order now?" Trish whined, applying yet another layer of lipstick. Vergil scowled. He had finally convinced Lady that Kalina Ann was dead and tears were leaking from her eyes.

"Fine." He signalled to the waiter and ignored Trish flicking her hair over her shoulder as the staff member approached. "We'd like to order now." Vergil ordered for everyone except Dante and turned to his brother who was still frowning at the menu.

"What do you want Dante?" Dante suddenly grinned.

"Those noodle things with bone fluff inside." Vergil resisted the urge to strangle his brother

"There…is…NO…such…thing…as…bone…fluff…" He repeated.

"Yes there is." Dante pouted. "Just because you've never seen it, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist."

"Prove it." Demanded Lady, who had stopped crying. The waiter looked at them and turned away confused.

"Okay!" Dante smiled cheerfully and held Rebellion over his arm. Vergil's eyes widened as he realised what his twin was about to do.

"Dante!" He shouted, but it was too late. Dante had chopped his arm off. The severed limb fell onto Lucia's place mat.

"Cool. Starters already!" She smiled and started to eat. Vergil gaped at her before turning to Dante who was trying, and failing, to look inside the stump of his arm.

"See bro? There it…Oh no." His arm had started to regenerate. "Hang on a sec, I just need to…" Vergil snatched the sword away from him.

"What do you think you're doing?" He snarled, staring at Dante's fully regenerated arm.

"I'm trying to show you the bone fluff, if you just give me my sword for a second..."

"You are not going to.."

"Hey!" Lucia interrupted. "This tastes really good! You should try it." Vergil glanced at her and did a double take. She had almost finished devouring Dante's arm. He gave her a disgusted look.

"You do know that that's Dante's arm don't you?" Trish interjected.

"Oh, is that what it's called? Remind me to have it again sometime." Dante used the moment when Vergil was distracted by Lucia's display of cannabilism to steal his sword back.

"Look!" He cried. "Bone fluff!" And promptly cut off his arm again. Lucia had just finished the limb in front of her when another fell to the table.

"Yay!" She exclaimed and dug in. Vergil shook his head despairingly but was startled as Dante waved the bloody stump of elbow in his face.

""You see it? Right there. It's the...Oh not again..." His arm had started to regenerate once more. In an attempt to prove to his twin that bone fluff did exist, Dante started to hack ferociously at his arm. Soon a pile of limbs had started to form behind him and a pool of blood was growing under the table.

"What the?" Trish stopped trying to get the waiters attention and looked down at her wet feet. She screamed and lept up onto her chair."Get it away!" She hissed like a cat near water.

"What's your problem?" Lady asked, delicately moving her feet away from the red substance.

"I'm allergic to that stuff!" Trish shrieked. Vergil looked at her.

"You're allergic to blood?" He asked, giving up on trying to stop Dante. Lucia looked up from where she had started to feast on the pile of arms.

"But blood's running through your veins." She pointed out. Trish shook her head.

"No it doesn't."

"Then...what does?" Lady asked. Trish scowled at them.

"Blood fluff of course." Vergil sighed heavily and rested his head in his hands. Everything fell quiet and he looked up suspiciously. Lucia was gorging herself on the steadily increasing pile of Dante's arms, Dante was still chopping off his arms only to have them regenerate almost immediately, Trish was hissing remarkably like a cat at the blood and Lady...

Vergil looked at Lady. She appeared to be talking to Kalina Ann again. Slowly she turned her head to look at him and he could have sworn that he heard a voice hiss from the missile launcher.

"He's on to us. Run!" Lady nodded, picked up Kalina Ann and ran away. Into a wall.

Vergil shook his head. Now he was hearing things as well. This place was driving him insane...

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